Well it's been a week. And tonight was the straw that broke this teacher's back.
It wasn't because of the new way of grading online work.
It wasn't because of the dozen students who still don't have access.
It wasn't because of looking beyond spring break wondering how I'll teach a novel virtually.
It was because the 11-year-old has realized he will probably never get to return to his elementary school as a student again. This is it. It's over. And that was crushing.
It started by him getting mad during a Yahtzee game. In a bold, inspired parenting move, I role-played someone else. So I wasn't mom talking to him, but rather another adult who just needed some more information to understand why he was mad. (Sometimes guys - the things you come up with on the fly work wonders!) As we talked, we eliminated elements that he thought he was mad about (his sister, brother, dad, me, the dog, etc). And we got to the core - it's not fair that he is done for the year.
And it's not.
It's not fair to him.
Or the seniors.
Or the 8th graders.
Or us teachers who didn't get to say goodbye.
Because let's be honest - we are probably not going back right after spring break. Maybe in May. Maybe. If people could just follow the rules and we crushed the curve, then maybe there's hope for May. None of this is official of course. I'm still planning like we are returning but I'm also planning like we aren't.
But he is on the road of no return.
And it sucks.
And he cried.
And I cried.
This sucks, guys. There's no other way to put it. I miss seeing you guys. I miss talking and joking with you. I miss your challenges and your joys. I miss that my kids are missing out on all of that stuff with their teachers.
So tonight - I miss it. And I'm sad.
And that's just how it has to be.
Saturday, March 21, 2020
Friday, March 20, 2020
Cycles of Grief
The grief cycle is something psychologists study and bank a lot of their practice on. There are variations of it, like many things, but the basic premise is that humans go through stages of grief when they lose someone or something or they have a major life change. I can't help but reflect on that with our current situation.
When we first started hearing stories of COVID19 from the Wuhan province, many of us either ignored them or shrugged them off. Then we started hearing stories of the spread of the virus. Again - we avoided the truth of the spread or ignored the stories since it wasn't affecting us.
Then it hit us. It was confusing and numbing. We wanted to blame someone so we blamed international travelers and migrants and the government and the person who didn't wipe down their shopping cart. And then we started seeing the results of having to shut down a country and we became scared and confused.
This is the first stage of grief - shock and denial.
After the initial shock and fear wore off, we began to get angry. We got mad at the selfish jerks who bought all the diapers and wipes and bleach and toilet paper so we or our elderly neighbor couldn't get any. We got mad at the school officials who decided to disrupt our entire lives by sending kids home. We got mad at the highest levels of government who blundered this whole thing by not listening to scientists. We got mad at anyone...because we were anxious, irritated, frustrated, embarrassed, and angry.
This is the second stage of grief - anger.
And at the end of our first week of school closures, things are shifting for our students. They are forced away from their routines and friends and familiarity of school. They are being told to sit at a computer and figure out the material on their own (despite all our best efforts to make it as user-friendly and understandable as possible). Many are worried about their younger siblings or their grandparents or how they will graduate or take the ACT or the mood of their parents when they get back from work (if they are still going to work). They are feeling overwhelmed and helpless. Naturally, they will start to lose energy and motivation.
This is the third stage of grief - depression and detachment.
But there's hope! The fourth stage starts to show a light - it's dialogue and bargaining. There's still struggle but an individual begins to recognize they need help getting through it so they reach out. They want to tell their story. They want to find meaning in this.
I've assigned my students a daily journal to write and process their thoughts and feelings during this time. I know they are going to go through the stages, but I just hope they get to the fourth one where they see the light at the end of the tunnel and have figured out ways to help them manage. That's the goal because then the fifth and sixth steps become a bit easier to accomplish.
We are in this together. We will be better off because we were in it together. We will come out on the other side.
When we first started hearing stories of COVID19 from the Wuhan province, many of us either ignored them or shrugged them off. Then we started hearing stories of the spread of the virus. Again - we avoided the truth of the spread or ignored the stories since it wasn't affecting us.
Then it hit us. It was confusing and numbing. We wanted to blame someone so we blamed international travelers and migrants and the government and the person who didn't wipe down their shopping cart. And then we started seeing the results of having to shut down a country and we became scared and confused.
This is the first stage of grief - shock and denial.
After the initial shock and fear wore off, we began to get angry. We got mad at the selfish jerks who bought all the diapers and wipes and bleach and toilet paper so we or our elderly neighbor couldn't get any. We got mad at the school officials who decided to disrupt our entire lives by sending kids home. We got mad at the highest levels of government who blundered this whole thing by not listening to scientists. We got mad at anyone...because we were anxious, irritated, frustrated, embarrassed, and angry.
This is the second stage of grief - anger.
And at the end of our first week of school closures, things are shifting for our students. They are forced away from their routines and friends and familiarity of school. They are being told to sit at a computer and figure out the material on their own (despite all our best efforts to make it as user-friendly and understandable as possible). Many are worried about their younger siblings or their grandparents or how they will graduate or take the ACT or the mood of their parents when they get back from work (if they are still going to work). They are feeling overwhelmed and helpless. Naturally, they will start to lose energy and motivation.
This is the third stage of grief - depression and detachment.
But there's hope! The fourth stage starts to show a light - it's dialogue and bargaining. There's still struggle but an individual begins to recognize they need help getting through it so they reach out. They want to tell their story. They want to find meaning in this.
I've assigned my students a daily journal to write and process their thoughts and feelings during this time. I know they are going to go through the stages, but I just hope they get to the fourth one where they see the light at the end of the tunnel and have figured out ways to help them manage. That's the goal because then the fifth and sixth steps become a bit easier to accomplish.
We are in this together. We will be better off because we were in it together. We will come out on the other side.
Da, da, da, da, da, da, da - da, da, da, da, da - dadadadada...
The Jeopardy theme song (did you catch that's what I was doing with the title?) - this song brings up a wealth of memories like watching it with my grandma as we ate dinner but even more so, when someone is waiting for me to do something. Which leads me to my current thoughts...
Procrastination.
I love procrastinating sometimes. Like right now. I'm writing this instead of grading the last twenty first-drafts you all submitted. Sorry! And now I'm feeling guilty about it. That's the nasty part of procrastination. The guilt always gets to me. But I'm a great procrastinator. I can be the most productive procrastinator you've ever met. My husband is in awe of how much I can get done in a day and yet, sometimes, it feels like I've done nothing because I haven't done the things I need to. A frustrating cycle.
In light of all the individual responsibility and time management that will need to occur over the next couple weeks, procrastination is going to be the beast to wrestle. How do I fight the urge to just read the book that's staring at me? Or sleep in? Or go for a walk instead of checking Remind texts? Or manage a cooking lesson with Dylan instead of grading discussion board posts?
And maybe that's not all bad. I've noticed the last couple years that I've been very wrapped up in the to-do list instead of the doing or even just the being. It's probably okay that some things don't get done right away. It's probably okay I take a break from the current work to be with my kiddos in their moments, especially over these few weeks where there's uncertainty and distance and new hills to overcome.
However, I can't be so wrapped up in the "being in the moment" that my works becomes neglected. The flip side of procrastination is that it can also distract us from what actually needs to be done. It brings resistance and resistance to the work at hand is not necessarily right.
It's about balance. So in these next few weeks, I hope to find a better balance on my life - between work and my kids and myself.
Procrastination.
I love procrastinating sometimes. Like right now. I'm writing this instead of grading the last twenty first-drafts you all submitted. Sorry! And now I'm feeling guilty about it. That's the nasty part of procrastination. The guilt always gets to me. But I'm a great procrastinator. I can be the most productive procrastinator you've ever met. My husband is in awe of how much I can get done in a day and yet, sometimes, it feels like I've done nothing because I haven't done the things I need to. A frustrating cycle.
In light of all the individual responsibility and time management that will need to occur over the next couple weeks, procrastination is going to be the beast to wrestle. How do I fight the urge to just read the book that's staring at me? Or sleep in? Or go for a walk instead of checking Remind texts? Or manage a cooking lesson with Dylan instead of grading discussion board posts?
And maybe that's not all bad. I've noticed the last couple years that I've been very wrapped up in the to-do list instead of the doing or even just the being. It's probably okay that some things don't get done right away. It's probably okay I take a break from the current work to be with my kiddos in their moments, especially over these few weeks where there's uncertainty and distance and new hills to overcome.
However, I can't be so wrapped up in the "being in the moment" that my works becomes neglected. The flip side of procrastination is that it can also distract us from what actually needs to be done. It brings resistance and resistance to the work at hand is not necessarily right.
It's about balance. So in these next few weeks, I hope to find a better balance on my life - between work and my kids and myself.
Wednesday, March 18, 2020
Rona...and the Virus
Might be an interesting band name. Think we are still too close to call it a "cool" band name. As I think over the world events from November until today - March 18, 2020 - the word that comes to mind is "unbelievable." It is such an unbelievable time for our world. Globally, we are struggling with a pandemic that knows no bounds.
This week, I have seen our schools closed, local businesses restricted, restaurants shuttered, and grocery store shelves emptied. I have changed how I approach different situations as well. I took advantage of the Costco delivery option and the Walmart Pickup. I was nervous to let an elderly woman use my shopping cart after me before I had a chance to wipe it off. I have been a hand-washing crazy woman who's consistent phrase is "Did you wash your hands?" to the three children.
And speaking of those three children - wow have their worlds been upended! They shifted from pretty solid daily routines to no routine at all with two parents who are trying to figure out how to delivery online instruction to their own students as well as online instruction to the three of them! The 5-year-old has been the hardest to manage. He doesn't get what's happening. He just knows he doesn't get to go to school. On one hand, he thinks it's awesome we have all these home days, but - on the other - he really doesn't want Mom and Dad to try and actually teach him something!
The kicker is - there aren't even any places to take them AND we were "blessed" with a late snowfall. No Exploration Works. No Carousel. No Historical Society. No Library. Nothing but the great outdoors, which we are taking advantage of. And our own imaginations! Scary thought.
But even with all this disturbance and craziness and occasional panic - there is still light. The residents of communities across Spain take a moment each night to collectively clap for their health care workers. The individuals of Italy sing with each other from their balconies. Neighbors have come together to help with food supplies. There is always a light within the darkness. I thought today to my husband - what if this is our reset button? What if this is our opportunity to take a pause, reflect, see what is truly valuable, then move forward?
I know this time won't be family bonding and roses for everyone. I have more than a few students that I am concerned for and worry about but what if - as a global society - we come out of this more aware of each other, less aware of the trending Tweet, and on better ground morally and ethically and faithfully.
What if...
This week, I have seen our schools closed, local businesses restricted, restaurants shuttered, and grocery store shelves emptied. I have changed how I approach different situations as well. I took advantage of the Costco delivery option and the Walmart Pickup. I was nervous to let an elderly woman use my shopping cart after me before I had a chance to wipe it off. I have been a hand-washing crazy woman who's consistent phrase is "Did you wash your hands?" to the three children.
And speaking of those three children - wow have their worlds been upended! They shifted from pretty solid daily routines to no routine at all with two parents who are trying to figure out how to delivery online instruction to their own students as well as online instruction to the three of them! The 5-year-old has been the hardest to manage. He doesn't get what's happening. He just knows he doesn't get to go to school. On one hand, he thinks it's awesome we have all these home days, but - on the other - he really doesn't want Mom and Dad to try and actually teach him something!
The kicker is - there aren't even any places to take them AND we were "blessed" with a late snowfall. No Exploration Works. No Carousel. No Historical Society. No Library. Nothing but the great outdoors, which we are taking advantage of. And our own imaginations! Scary thought.
But even with all this disturbance and craziness and occasional panic - there is still light. The residents of communities across Spain take a moment each night to collectively clap for their health care workers. The individuals of Italy sing with each other from their balconies. Neighbors have come together to help with food supplies. There is always a light within the darkness. I thought today to my husband - what if this is our reset button? What if this is our opportunity to take a pause, reflect, see what is truly valuable, then move forward?
I know this time won't be family bonding and roses for everyone. I have more than a few students that I am concerned for and worry about but what if - as a global society - we come out of this more aware of each other, less aware of the trending Tweet, and on better ground morally and ethically and faithfully.
What if...
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