Tonight...I broke

Well it's been a week.  And tonight was the straw that broke this teacher's back.

It wasn't because of the new way of grading online work.

It wasn't because of the dozen students who still don't have access.

It wasn't because of looking beyond spring break wondering how I'll teach a novel virtually.

It was because the 11-year-old has realized he will probably never get to return to his elementary school as a student again.  This is it.  It's over.  And that was crushing. 

It started by him getting mad during a Yahtzee game.  In a bold, inspired parenting move, I role-played someone else.  So I wasn't mom talking to him, but rather another adult who just needed some more information to understand why he was mad.  (Sometimes guys - the things you come up with on the fly work wonders!)  As we talked, we eliminated elements that he thought he was mad about (his sister, brother, dad, me, the dog, etc).  And we got to the core - it's not fair that he is done for the year.

And it's not.

It's not fair to him. 

Or the seniors.

Or the 8th graders.

Or us teachers who didn't get to say goodbye.

Because let's be honest - we are probably not going back right after spring break.  Maybe in May.  Maybe.  If people could just follow the rules and we crushed the curve, then maybe there's hope for May. None of this is official of course.  I'm still planning like we are returning but I'm also planning like we aren't.

But he is on the road of no return. 

And it sucks.

And he cried.

And I cried.

This sucks, guys.  There's no other way to put it.  I miss seeing you guys.  I miss talking and joking with you.  I miss your challenges and your joys.  I miss that my kids are missing out on all of that stuff with their teachers.

So tonight - I miss it.  And I'm sad.

And that's just how it has to be.