Wednesday, April 22, 2020

Getting off the Bench...

As a coach's wife, I have tried to train myself to stay quiet during games, support from the sidelines, keep the home-front going so he can find success on the field, etc.  Most coach's wives have mastered one-pot and crockpot meals, picnic dinners, packing the car with blankets and chairs and entertainment for the kids, time management for getting to games and so much more.

We pride ourselves in being behind the scenes and off to the side.

But now I'm getting off the bench because this year is now different.

This year there is no softball.

Today it was officially canceled by our state athletic association. 

Our seniors are devastated.

Our underclassmen are frustrated.

Our coach is heartbroken.

Our kids are sad.

And I'm at a loss. 

Spring means softball.  It means the insanity of managing three different seasons at three different fields every day of the week.  It means packing the car for every type of weather, including snow, and being okay with it.  It means getting friends to help out with carpooling while trying to make as many games as possible.  It means getting creative with keeping the 5-year-old entertained while we head to another game. It  means packing dinners that stay warm for the player to eat later.

It is seeing the young women he coaches mature and grow as individuals and teammates.

It is watching them interact with our kids.

It is experiencing growth in our own children as they see how the players deal with losses and failures and successes.

But not this year.

It's hard not to feel selfish mourning the loss of a game when there are so many heavier losses happening right now. 

But it's not just a game. 

It's seeing the girls come back after a disappointing season.  It's seeing them work hard in the off-season to improve their skills.  It's seeing them join together after a game, win or loss, and laugh and dance and stay connected.  It's seeing them mow through more food than the D-line during team dinners.  It's seeing them interact with my husband and help him grow as a coach, a teacher, a husband, and a father.

But not this year. 

And I'm not sure what to do.

It can't be changed or shifted or improved or fixed.  I just have to watch it.  Like I've done so many games but there are no games.  I can hug my husband as he gets teary calling the seniors.  I can comfort the kids who lose out on the "fun" parts of the game days.  I can tuck the supplies I bought in anticipation away for next year.

Because there will be a next year.  Too much has been lost this year to sit idle.  So I'm getting off the bench. 

I'm getting off the bench by staying home.  I'm going to do my part to keep the larger community safe so our scientists and doctors can help those who are sick and develop the vaccines we will need so next year, I can sit on the bench and cheer on my girls and my coach.

Get off the bench by staying home and staying healthy.

Tuesday, March 31, 2020

Sharing Stories

Millions infected.  Around 200,000 deaths. 

That was the estimate given by Dr. Fauci a couple days ago.  To which he immediately said, he doesn't want to be held to that number.  There is no guarantee in any of this.  There is some rough science, getting a little more solid each day, but no guarantees.  The virus is unpredictable in many ways as are the behaviors of individuals.  As large groups, we will probably follow the majority of the rules, but there will always be individuals. 

I can't help but think of all the stories lost with those deaths. 

Many deaths have come and will come from our elderly populations.  Those living in nursing homes or hospitals, nearing their own natural end only to be hastened by a virus. 

Then I think of the loneliness they must have experienced pre-virus only to be exponentially made worse post-virus.  It happened that a chapter I read from my book this morning touched on this.  It was about a teenager going to visit the lonely in nursing homes and how, though uncomfortable, it profoundly changed his life.  Matthew Kelly was that teen and he stated, "These elderly men and women in the nursing home were intensely lonely in many cases, and they didn't have a lot of tomorrows to look forward to.  Every single one of them had a story to tell about their lives, and these stories were filled with fabulous lessons about life, love, work, success, failure, marriage, parenting, hopes and dreams, fears and regrets.  But they had nobody to tell their stories to."

So many of those included in the numbers above will be lost without their stories being shared.  What can we do?  Can we capture their stories before they are gone?  These are war veterans and teachers and leaders and inventors and musicians and artists.  There is so much to unlock from them that they haven't shared yet. 

So what?

Visitations have been restricted.  But maybe there is someone out there, some inventive teen who comes up with a way to have staff record responses to questions.  You probably wouldn't need many questions to get these people talking.  Can we capture their voices before they pass?

And what about moving forward?  Can we start to go into our nursing homes and assisted living homes to visit and listen and hear their stories and their voices? What harm would that really do to us?  Should anyone die alone without having their voice heard?

That is the challenge put forth from Kelly and during these times.  What change will we allow this time to have on us? On our behavior?  Visit the lonely.  Care for the sick.

These are powerful words now and forever.

Friday, March 27, 2020

Shelter in Place

Today was the last day of "freedom".  Our Governor ordered a Shelter-In-Place order last night, which means we are hunkering down.  No going out without a specific purpose and restricting general movement.  We can go on hikes, etc. But we need to be aware of how often we go out in general.

This is okay. 

We also had our first death from COVID-19.  A 77-year-old man from Bull Lake, Lincoln County. 

He is why we need to stay home and away from others. Try to flatten the curve.  There's going to be people who balk at it, so that makes it more important for those of us who are rule followers to do it.  We can do our part by staying home.

This shouldn't be too difficult for us since we've been doing it for about two weeks now.  We'll just keep it up although I do think we are starting to feel the strain of being together 24/7.  I have a cold, which is incredibly annoying and not making it easier to deal with the whiny moments from the kids.

My bigger concern is a selfish one - what comes after spring break? How do I teach my students the actual content online?  Keep it simple while trying to cover a massive book like To Kill a Mockingbird or The Great Gatsby?  I really don't know if it's possible.  The guys in the PLC don't seem to be very worried.  I'm freaking out. 

I'm really struggling with it right now because the spring semester is my favorite to connect with the students.  I really see the connections being made and the learning happening and now I'm going to miss out on it.  So how do I recreate it online?  What is essential?  It's the themes and the writing and the skills.  So what's essential from it?

Sigh. 

Someone should just tell me what I'm teaching! AGH!

Thursday, March 26, 2020

Wise Words from Bill Gates

I had one idea for my post today then I was sent this from my sister-in-law who had been sent it from the head of the Benefis Healthcare System in Great Falls.  So much rings true and much of this is what I've been contemplating the last few days.

*What is the Corona/ Covid-19 Virus Really Teaching us?*

I’m a strong believer that there is a spiritual purpose behind everything that happens, whether that is what we perceive as being good or being bad. As I meditate upon this, I want to share with you what I feel the Corona/ Covid-19 virus is really doing to us:

1) It is reminding us that we are all equal, regardless of our culture, religion, occupation, financial situation or how famous we are. This disease treats us all equally, perhaps we should to. If you don’t believe me, just ask Tom Hanks.

2) It is reminding us that we are all connected and something that affects one person has an effect on another. It is reminding us that the false borders that we have put up have little value as this virus does not need a passport. It is reminding us, by oppressing us for a short time, of those in this world whose whole life is spent in oppression.

3) It is reminding us of how precious our health is and how we have moved to neglect it through eating nutrient poor manufactured food and drinking water that is contaminated with chemicals upon chemicals. If we don’t look after our health, we will, of course, get sick.

4) It is reminding us of the shortness of life and of what is most important for us to do, which is to help each other, especially those who are old or sick. Our purpose is not to buy toilet roll.

5) It is reminding us of how materialistic our society has become and how, when in times of difficulty, we remember that it’s the essentials that we need (food, water, medicine) as opposed to the luxuries that we sometimes unnecessarily give value to.

6) It is reminding us of how important our family and home life is and how much we have neglected this. It is forcing us back into our houses so we can rebuild them into our home and to strengthen our family unit.

7) It is reminding us that our true work is not our job, that is what we do, not what we were created to do. Our true work is to look after each other, to protect each other and to be of benefit to one another.

8) It is reminding us to keep our egos in check. It is reminding us that no matter how great we think we are or how great others think we are, a virus can bring our world to a standstill.

9) It is reminding us that the power of freewill is in our hands. We can choose to cooperate and help each other, to share, to give, to help and to support each other or we can choose to be selfish, to hoard, to look after only our self. Indeed, it is difficulties that bring out our true colors.

10) It is reminding us that we can be patient, or we can panic. We can either understand that this type of situation has happened many times before in history and will pass, or we can panic and see it as the end of the world and, consequently, cause ourselves more harm than good.

11) It is reminding us that this can either be an end or a new beginning. This can be a time of reflection and understanding, where we learn from our mistakes, or it can be the start of a cycle which will continue until we finally learn the lesson we are meant to.

12) It is reminding us that this Earth is sick. It is reminding us that we need to look at the rate of deforestation just as urgently as we look at the speed at which toilet rolls are disappearing off of shelves. We are sick because our home is sick.  

13) It is reminding us that after every difficulty, there is always ease. Life is cyclical, and this is just a phase in this great cycle. We do not need to panic; this too shall pass. 

14) Whereas many see the Corona/ Covid-19 virus as a great disaster, I prefer to see it as a *great corrector*

It is sent to remind us of the important lessons that we seem to have forgotten and it is up to us if we will learn them or not.


Bill Gates

Wednesday, March 25, 2020

Rollercoasters...

I have a love/hate relationship with rollercoasters.  I kind of love the thrill but also am terrified of heights and get incredibly motion sick on almost any kind of ride with movement.  Or even in my car. 

So rollercoasters are a bit of a sketchy dice to toss for me.  Love...hate.

Kind of like online learning.

Love...hate.

There are aspects I love.  First, I get to work in sweats.  That's pretty sweet.  Second, I can kind of set my own schedule.  Love that.  Third, I get to be with my kids.  Most days, that's a love.

Then there is the hate.  I hate not seeing my students to see how they are grasping the material.  I hate being alone on this journey away from my colleagues.  But I hate the ridiculous questions and the...I don't know what to call it.  Laziness I guess!  I hate that about some of my students.  Guys - this is reality! You have to take ownership.

This is kind of baptism by fire though.  I try to teach my students to take ownership for their own stuff all year long.  Now they have no choice.  I can't catch them in the hall to remind them or swing into their study hall.  They have to check my website.  They have to click on the videos.  They have to do the work on their own.  I can no longer babysit them. 

And if anything positive comes out of this experience, it's the problem solving skills our students will develop.  They will have to figure some stuff out on their own.  Like what website to go to to enter information for the ACT (maybe the one in the slide!).  Or how to turn in an essay if there's no basket (try the email).  Or where this video possibly is at that I'm supposed to be responding to (read the post that says the name and contains a link). 

Yes, yes, yes.  Reading directions and problem-solving.  Two life-long skills our students will need. 

Gonna learn today!

Tuesday, March 24, 2020

Silver Linings

I've been going through the cycle over and over the last couple days (if you don't know what I'm referring to, go back a couple posts).  Today, with the sun shining and the kids racing their bikes up and down the street in front of our house, I decided I needed to focus more on the silver linings.  So here is my Top 10 list of the good happening right now:

1. More time with the kids.  As much as they drive me crazy on the daily, being there as they go through their moods and being together has helped us be more patient. I think.

2. More time with the husband.  I love my guy.  And now I get to see him all day.  Even with the gross mustache.

3. Time to read.  I actually took some time today in the middle of the day to sit in the sun and read. For fun.

4. Time to run errands.  Yes, I know we are social distancing so I really tried to keep my errands focused on essentials - running to the preschool to grab Dylan's work drawer, grabbing meds from my mom, picking up a prescription, and dropping off the donations to the Food bank.  Hand sanitizer was used regularly.

5. Not so much stress.  During a regular school day, I'm inundated with emails and drop-bys and paper work and grading and teaching and planning and all that.  I feel like there's time to breath. 

6. More families out walking.  I swear I had no idea there were so many families in this neighborhood but they are walking all throughout the day!  It's awesome!

7. Quiet time.  Yes, we implemented quiet time.  Right after lunch.  It.  Is.  Awesome.

8.  Tea Time.  Yep - did this too.  At 4:00 the kids get a light snack to get them through to dinner coupled with a cup of tea or hot chocolate. I'm loving this.

9. Letting us all sleep in.  The kids are getting an extra hour of sleep than they normally do as am I and it feels really good!!

and

10. Seeing how resilient our students are and how adaptable they've become.  It's been hilarious to video chat with them or listen to my husband's video chats with his kids or even our kids' video chat with their teacher.  They are still our kids and still goofy and still hilarious and even more amazing because they are embracing this challenge head on. 

A little positivity never hurt anyone. :) Enjoy!

Monday, March 23, 2020

Lack of Resources

Today I was thinking about our students who aren't in the "have" category.  Shockingly - this fact is still debated: there are those that "have" and those that "have not".  Some people actually believe this is a myth. 

How can they think that? It is so glaringly clear in so many ways that should be obvious to anyone.

But it's not.

Because our "have nots" are resilient as hell. 

They consciously try to appear as not a "have not".

They figure out how to use their 1st generation phones to write papers using hotspots they find while driving around in the borrowed family vehicle.  They get stuff turned in on time or early - because it's easier on their lives if they do their homework right away so they can then help with household duties or their jobs.  They understand the power of their education so they try their hardest to get what they can from it.  Sometimes, it doesn't seem like it, but the fact they are at school at all is a victory.

But then we have to go online.  Straight online.  No in-person checks for understanding, no stopping in at lunch to talk over the homework for clarification.  All alone.  But not really.  Because they are all alone in their house full of others.

And we try as a district.  We check out Chromebooks and hand out breakfasts and lunches.  We do some pretty amazing things to help support our kids.  Our admins and counselors and SPED teachers are calling and emailing all day long.  They are breaking the "rules" to go to their houses to get them connected.  They are contacting Spectrum and Charter and whoever else might be able to help. 

But the lack of resources go beyond a computer and Wi-Fi.  As I contemplated the fate of my high schoolers over the next few weeks, my heart was pulled towards the littles.  And my eyes fell upon my shelves of books.

How many kids are sitting at home all day without a book in sight? They don't have the picture books or chapter books or informational texts that weigh our shelves down.  Their only sources of literature are now closed - school and public libraries. 

And we know reading can be a silver bullet.  The research on reading to children before they enter kindergarten is staggering.  "Young children whose parents read them five books a day enter kindergarten having heard about 1.4 million more words than kids who were never read to, a new study found" (Science News).  That is staggering.  Most fourth graders are not at a proficient grade level.  If they don't make it by 4th grade, it becomes exponentially harder to "catch them up" so we have 12th graders sitting in classes at a 3rd or 4th grade level.  

How many of our children are now in a home without five books? 

"But there are so many free e-book resources out there! So easy to access."  Yes, they are.  If you have the resources.  Like a web browser.  And internet.  Or a stable hotspot.  And enough devices to go around to all the kids that need access to the e-books. 

How can we deny that some of our students don't have the same access?  How do we fight that inequality?  

We can try.  We can continue to provide kick-ass free public education.  We can provide free resources like Chromebooks and First Book opportunities.  Our librarians can continue to turn a blind eye when that one student keeps that book all year.  Teachers with classroom libraries can quietly delete the missing book from their catalogs so that their kid can keep it. 

But please don't come to me saying those efforts are unnecessary because there is not a divide amongst our students. 

Saturday, March 21, 2020

Tonight...I broke

Well it's been a week.  And tonight was the straw that broke this teacher's back.

It wasn't because of the new way of grading online work.

It wasn't because of the dozen students who still don't have access.

It wasn't because of looking beyond spring break wondering how I'll teach a novel virtually.

It was because the 11-year-old has realized he will probably never get to return to his elementary school as a student again.  This is it.  It's over.  And that was crushing. 

It started by him getting mad during a Yahtzee game.  In a bold, inspired parenting move, I role-played someone else.  So I wasn't mom talking to him, but rather another adult who just needed some more information to understand why he was mad.  (Sometimes guys - the things you come up with on the fly work wonders!)  As we talked, we eliminated elements that he thought he was mad about (his sister, brother, dad, me, the dog, etc).  And we got to the core - it's not fair that he is done for the year.

And it's not.

It's not fair to him. 

Or the seniors.

Or the 8th graders.

Or us teachers who didn't get to say goodbye.

Because let's be honest - we are probably not going back right after spring break.  Maybe in May.  Maybe.  If people could just follow the rules and we crushed the curve, then maybe there's hope for May. None of this is official of course.  I'm still planning like we are returning but I'm also planning like we aren't.

But he is on the road of no return. 

And it sucks.

And he cried.

And I cried.

This sucks, guys.  There's no other way to put it.  I miss seeing you guys.  I miss talking and joking with you.  I miss your challenges and your joys.  I miss that my kids are missing out on all of that stuff with their teachers.

So tonight - I miss it.  And I'm sad.

And that's just how it has to be.

Friday, March 20, 2020

Cycles of Grief

The grief cycle is something psychologists study and bank a lot of their practice on.  There are variations of it, like many things, but the basic premise is that humans go through stages of grief when they lose someone or something or they have a major life change.  I can't help but reflect on that with our current situation.

When we first started hearing stories of COVID19 from the Wuhan province, many of us either ignored them or shrugged them off.  Then we started hearing stories of the spread of the virus.  Again - we avoided the truth of the spread or ignored the stories since it wasn't affecting us.

Then it hit us.  It was confusing and numbing.  We wanted to blame someone so we blamed international travelers and migrants and the government and the person who didn't wipe down their shopping cart.  And then we started seeing the results of having to shut down a country and we became scared and confused.

This is the first stage of grief - shock and denial.

After the initial shock and fear wore off, we began to get angry.  We got mad at the selfish jerks who bought all the diapers and wipes and bleach and toilet paper so we or our elderly neighbor couldn't get any.  We got mad at the school officials who decided to disrupt our entire lives by sending kids home.  We got mad at the highest levels of government who blundered this whole thing by not listening to scientists. We got mad at anyone...because we were anxious, irritated, frustrated, embarrassed, and angry.

This is the second stage of grief - anger.

And at the end of our first week of school closures, things are shifting for our students. They are forced away from their routines and friends and familiarity of school.  They are being told to sit at a computer and figure out the material on their own (despite all our best efforts to make it as user-friendly and understandable as possible).  Many are worried about their younger siblings or their grandparents or how they will graduate or take the ACT or the mood of their parents when they get back from work (if they are still going to work).  They are feeling overwhelmed and helpless.  Naturally, they will start to lose energy and motivation. 

This is the third stage of grief - depression and detachment.

But there's hope!  The fourth stage starts to show a light - it's dialogue and bargaining.  There's still struggle but an individual begins to recognize they need help getting through it so they reach out.  They want to tell their story.  They want to find meaning in this.

I've assigned my students a daily journal to write and process their thoughts and feelings during this time.  I know they are going to go through the stages, but I just hope they get to the fourth one where they see the light at the end of the tunnel and have figured out ways to help them manage.  That's the goal because then the fifth and sixth steps become a bit easier to accomplish. 

We are in this together.  We will be better off because we were in it together.  We will come out on the other side.

Da, da, da, da, da, da, da - da, da, da, da, da - dadadadada...

The Jeopardy theme song (did you catch that's what I was doing with the title?) - this song brings up a wealth of memories like watching it with my grandma as we ate dinner but even more so, when someone is waiting for me to do something.  Which leads me to my current thoughts...

Procrastination. 

I love procrastinating sometimes.  Like right now. I'm writing this instead of grading the last twenty first-drafts you all submitted.  Sorry!  And now I'm feeling guilty about it.  That's the nasty part of procrastination.  The guilt always gets to me.  But I'm a great procrastinator.  I can be the most productive procrastinator you've ever met.  My husband is in awe of how much I can get done in a day and yet, sometimes, it feels like I've done nothing because I haven't done the things I need to.  A frustrating cycle.

In light of all the individual responsibility and time management that will need to occur over the next couple weeks, procrastination is going to be the beast to wrestle.  How do I fight the urge to just read the book that's staring at me?  Or sleep in?  Or go for a walk instead of checking Remind texts? Or manage a cooking lesson with Dylan instead of grading discussion board posts?

And maybe that's not all bad.  I've noticed the last couple years that I've been very wrapped up in the to-do list instead of the doing or even just the being.  It's probably okay that some things don't get done right away.  It's probably okay I take a break from the current work to be with my kiddos in their moments, especially over these few weeks where there's uncertainty and distance and new hills to overcome. 

However, I can't be so wrapped up in the "being in the moment" that my works becomes neglected.  The flip side of procrastination is that it can also distract us from what actually needs to be done.  It brings resistance and resistance to the work at hand is not necessarily right.

It's about balance.  So in these next few weeks, I hope to find a better balance on my life - between work and my kids and myself.

Wednesday, March 18, 2020

Rona...and the Virus

Might be an interesting band name.  Think we are still too close to call it a "cool" band name.  As I think over the world events from November until today - March 18, 2020 - the word that comes to mind is "unbelievable."  It is such an unbelievable time for our world. Globally, we are struggling with a pandemic that knows no bounds.

This week, I have seen our schools closed, local businesses restricted, restaurants shuttered, and grocery store shelves emptied.  I have changed how I approach different situations as well.  I took advantage of the Costco delivery option and the Walmart Pickup.  I was nervous to let an elderly woman use my shopping cart after me before I had a chance to wipe it off.  I have been a hand-washing crazy woman who's consistent phrase is "Did you wash your hands?" to the three children.

And speaking of those three children - wow have their worlds been upended!  They shifted from pretty solid daily routines to no routine at all with two parents who are trying to figure out how to delivery online instruction to their own students as well as online instruction to the three of them!  The 5-year-old has been the hardest to manage.  He doesn't get what's happening.  He just knows he doesn't get to go to school.  On one hand, he thinks it's awesome we have all these home days, but - on the other - he really doesn't want Mom and Dad to try and actually teach him something! 

The kicker is - there aren't even any places to take them AND we were "blessed" with a late snowfall.  No Exploration Works. No Carousel.  No Historical Society.  No Library.  Nothing but the great outdoors, which we are taking advantage of.  And our own imaginations! Scary thought.

But even with all this disturbance and craziness and occasional panic - there is still light.  The residents of communities across Spain take a moment each night to collectively clap for their health care workers.  The individuals of Italy sing with each other from their balconies.  Neighbors have come together to help with food supplies.  There is always a light within the darkness.  I thought today to my husband - what if this is our reset button?  What if this is our opportunity to take a pause, reflect, see what is truly valuable, then move forward? 

I know this time won't be family bonding and roses for everyone.  I have more than a few students that I am concerned for and worry about but what if - as a global society - we come out of this more aware of each other, less aware of the trending Tweet, and on better ground morally and ethically and faithfully. 

What if...